please keep in mind that im completely sober.
Recap.I really don’t understand what just happened.I was cooking pasta and you were making a nutella and banana sandwhich. I said something and you got mad. I cant remember what I said, but it angered you.I went in the living room turned on the TV and you walked outside and told me to flick the switch so you could see. I did and went to stir my pasta. you yelled “get my keys.” I did and handed to them and then you said “im leaving” it all happened like a movie. the moment you turned your back i felt as if everything got slower and Edith Piaf’s “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien.” (the French song from Inception) started playing in my head and i turned the corner and you had slammed the door already. I could see you through the tiny window of my door as you crossed the yard to your car.im still standing in this hallway.
Things like these nights are what confuse me with dreams and reality.Things we’re going so well tonight and with a simple nudge or push you’re gone within a few seconds… I’ve been this way since i was 8. except i didn’t have such a realistic imaginiation when i was 8 because i was still seeing things as….well cartoons.I had an imaginary friend and everything that only I could see ect ect… well now i can imagine places in my head and everything and just fill it with people that i know, or projections.
In my head i’ve created this perfect place where im happy and nothing wrong happens…then again, who hasn’t thought of this type of place before, right? well in my head i’ve created these things to be VERY similar.from settings and people and every fine detail to a point so when i have good nights like there, i believe that im dreaming but once something happens and its ripped from me like that it becomes reality, but how can i trust such a thing if things were going according to plan therefore it overwhelm’s my head into questioning everything until I finally do fall asleep and wake up the next morning….
I want to see my dad one last time…I miss him so much and I just feel that he would help me through everything that i’ve been thinking and going through right now. I have been listening to a lot of The Hush Sound lately. The way that the piano and bass is perfectly in harmony together in a few their songs is just spectacular. My dad and I went and seen them together. it was an acoustic show and it was just so amazing….mind blowing.I have a huge appreciation for the piano and I can thank my dad for that too. He used to play and tried to teach me a few times. I wish I could remember everything he taught me.But he was also aware of my condition because growing up i wish I had a father figure in my life. i wanted one so much that I would wish and pray to God for a daddy and just one day, I was finally able to meet him and it didnt seem real because for once a wish had came true…My dad and I had the best relationship in the world. He was my only best friend and I dont think I could love someone as much as I loved him.I miss him terribly.
I sound like im going crazy, right?
